Zombie Racoons And Air Conditioning
by Red Witch
Summary: Important topics are discussed on Krieger's Korner. Well, important to these people.


**Some kind of animal has wandered off with the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just another episode of Krieger's Korner that ran amok through my tiny little mind.**

 **Zombie Racoons And Air Conditioning **

"Hello!" Krieger waved. "Welcome once again to Krieger's Korner! Making Science Great Again!"

"First of all, I'd like to address a few things. I am **not** responsible for the zombie racoons in Ohio. That has **nothing** to do with me. It's very likely there's an outbreak of dysentery. But I had nothing to do with that! I have never even been **near Ohio**!"

"I'm also **not responsible** for that rumor of those Ewok type creatures in San Marcos. Or that rumored unholy frog boy that's been running around there. Technically. No. Not me. Somebody else, but **not me**!"

"Also, that giant alligator like creature in the Amazon. That's some **other scientist** that's responsible for that."

"Speaking of which the alligators in the sewers of New York is a total urban myth. Not only did I not flush any down there, none of them would survive if I did. Too cold and the pipes are too narrow."

"Those killer bees in Texas? Noooope. Nothing to do with that."

"And I don't know why people think I know Bigfoot personally. But no. I don't. Sorry."

"I thought that was Lana's nickname?" Cheryl was heard off camera.

"Okay now that those issues have been addressed," Krieger went on. "It's time to go on with the show."

" **Must** we?" Ray asked. He was with Pam and Cheryl sitting on chairs.

"It's Meeting of the Minds time on Krieger's Korner," Krieger went on. "Where we try to solve some of the biggest scientific problems of the world."

"Solve 'em, make 'em worse," Cheryl shrugged. "Either one's good for me."

"Here's todays hot topic," Krieger said. "And I mean literally."

Cheryl's eyes lit up. "We're going to talk about arson?"

"No," Krieger said. "Global warming. More specifically the increase of heat in urban areas."

"Eh," Cheryl shrugged. "I mean it's no arson spree but it's a start."

"Heat waves are becoming more and more common and longer," Krieger spoke. "People are actually dying. In fact, more people die of heat related deaths than anything else weather related."

"Really?" Cheryl asked. "More than actually being set **on fire**?"

"Believe it or not, yes," Krieger said.

"How about traffic accidents?" Pam asked.

"He's talking about **weather related** deaths," Ray said.

"Oh," Pam thought. "How about traffic accidents in a blizzard?"

"More than that," Krieger told her.

"Traffic accidents in a hurricane?" Pam asked.

"Yes, more than that," Krieger said.

"Boating in a hurricane," Pam kept guessing.

"More than all of that, yes," Krieger told her. "It's especially bad in cities where there are more nonreflective surfaces that trap the heat. Like roofs, pavement, walls, roads…"

"Buildings that are already on fire," Cheryl added.

"Well that doesn't help," Krieger admitted. "So the question is how to cut down on the increasing temperatures in the city?"

"That's easy," Cheryl waved. "Buy air conditioning. Next question."

"Problem is not everybody can **afford** air conditioning J. Paul Glue-y!" Pam told her.

"Okay how's this?" Cheryl said. "The government gives money to people who can't afford air conditioning but they have to use it to buy air conditioners or get central air installed. And it all has to be American made. So, the air conditioning workers and builders get more money, the economy goes up. Easy peasy!"

"Where the hell is the government going to get the money?" Ray asked.

"From the taxes it collects every year! Duh!" Cheryl waved.

"The problem is those taxes pay for everything else!" Ray told her. "Roads, schools…"

"Well it won't kill anyone if we skip something for **one year**!" Cheryl waved. "Like the salaries of people in Congress. They get more money from lobbyists anyway!"

"She actually has a point there," Pam pointed out.

"And would it really be the worst thing in the world if everyone was homeschooled for a year or two?" Cheryl asked.

"Okay again there's this new thing a lot of families do called **working** ," Ray explained. "And they can't afford to stay home with the kids."

"So just plop them in front of the TV," Cheryl said.

"Not all people think that's an effective way to parent," Ray told her. "Crazy I know."

"Let me get this straight," Cheryl said. "People want the government to baby sit their kids while they are working for the jobs to pay for the air conditioning? No wonder our economy is such a mess."

"Okay…" Krieger began.

"As my Great Grandfather once said," Cheryl spoke up. "Dump all the poor in Antarctica. That will take care of any heating problems. And poverty."

"Someone else have any ideas?" Krieger asked. " **Anyone** else?"

"I've got it," Pam said. "Look everyone knows that trees lower air temperature, right? The shadier a place is, the cooler it is. So, all we gotta do is grow trees…"

"A lot of cities are doing that," Ray said.

"Let me finish," Pam said. "Now what's the tallest tree in the world? Giant Redwoods! We grow Giant Redwoods grown with super fertilizer! BAM! Trees as tall as skyscrapers! Not only do we solve the heat problem, but we also combat deforestation! It's easy!"

"And with tree houses we can solve the city's housing problems!" Cheryl added.

"These are good ideas," Krieger grinned.

"No, they aren't," Ray said.

"Put cities underwater!" Cheryl said. "The ocean will keep them cold! Or in Antarctica!"

"Can we move onto the next segment please?" Ray groaned.

"Might as well," Krieger shrugged. "I think we've come up with some promising ideas."

"They have promise all right," Ray said. "Promise to be completely insane."

"Now it's time for Fun Facts!" Krieger grinned.

"AKA Useless Time Filler," Pam quipped.

Krieger started. "If you drilled a hole right through the Earth and jumped in, it would take you 42 minutes and 12 seconds to get to the other side."

"Still faster than traffic in LA," Ray quipped.

"A snail race is faster than the traffic in LA," Pam told him.

"The air in an average sized room weighs a hundred pounds," Krieger went on.

"So that's where some of Pam's extra weight comes from!" Cheryl said.

"Told you it wasn't all me," Pam looked at her.

"The average person walks the equivalent of five times around the world in a lifetime," Krieger said.

"Except for Ray when he's in a wheelchair," Pam said. "His average is more about three, three and a half."

"What are you trying to do?" Ray snapped. "Jinx me?"

"Too late," Cheryl quipped. "Life already did that."

"You know…?" Ray looked at her.

"Some bamboo species can grow over four feet in just twenty-four hours," Krieger said. "Which now that I think about it, would be really helpful in making some instant shading areas in some of the southern cities!"

"Every year over one million earthquakes shake the Earth," Ray said. "And half of them occur in LA at rush hour."

"Every year lighting kills 1000 people," Krieger said.

"Still less than Archer and his mother on a good year," Ray quipped.

"Krieger this is all well and good," Pam spoke up. "But this is getting **boring!** People want to be **entertained**! You got to mix things up! Make it sexy!"

"A sexy **science podcast**?" Ray asked.

"Yes!" Cheryl said.

"Please don't do what I think you're going to do," Ray groaned.

"Relax Ray," Pam waved. "We're not going to take our clothes off."

"Yeah, it's too predictable," Cheryl nodded. "Instead we're going to have these half naked strippers dance! YOU'RE ON!"

"What?" Krieger shouted as some dance music was heard. Three scantily clad female strippers danced out. Then three scantily clad male dancers danced with them.

"You guys paid for strippers?" Krieger was stunned.

"No, they **paid us**!" Pam said. "They're also struggling actors who are desperate to get their big break!"

"Well you can't get any more desperate than being on **this show**!" Ray quipped. "Badum, bump!"

"You people out there didn't know the Internet had a Sweeps Week didn't you?" Cheryl giggled.

"I **like** this new format!" Ray called out.

"Me too!" Krieger grinned. "Sexy science dance time!"

Everyone got up and started dancing. "See? Change is…" Pam began. "HOLY MONSTER SNACKS! WHAT THE #$#$#$# IS **THAT**?"

"RRARRRR!"

The strippers stopped dancing and started to scream as two glowing racoons with glowing green eyes emerged.

"Krieger! Anything you want to **confess**?" Ray pointed.

"I said I had nothing to do with zombie raccoons in **Ohio** ," Krieger pointed out. "And technically these **aren't** zombies, they're mutated radioactive…"

"RUN!" Ray screamed. The strippers ran for their lives. So, did Ray and Cheryl.

"That's it!" Pam ran off camera and then returned with a shotgun. "I'm gonna go Rick Grimes on these bitches' asses! COME GET SOME!"

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"I AM NOT CLEANING THAT UP!" Ray shouted off camera as Pam shot up the racoons, splattering green glowing blood and body parts all over the place.

"Oh great," Krieger sighed. "You know Cyril is gonna bitch about this!"

"Not as much as the ASPCA!" Pam snapped as she killed the racoons. "I'll give you this Krieger, your show is a lot of things. But boring ain't one of them!"


End file.
